"Justin didn't make it.."
and i fell to the ground. curled up in a little ball on the sidewalk next to the broadway theatre in a mad hatter costume. my body shook. sobbing on the phone with one of my best friends. shaking. disbelief. shock. but knowledge that it was going to happen at some point. racing thoughts. "we have to bury Justin..." bawling for a few minutes more. agreed to meet tomorrow. hung up the phone. still curled in a little ball shaking. sobbing. roommate crossed street. saw me. laughed at my costume. looked up as she drew nearer. mascara dripping down my face. "Justin's dead" all i could get out. she picked me up. cried on her shoulder. friends gathered near. 5 till show. whiped my tears. went upstairs. ran the spotlight. cleaned up after close. passanger seat to the dorm. compulsive cleaning. sat in front of the computer. facebook. myspace. disbelief. drunk roommate comes home. babbles for a while. comforts me. goes to sleep. everyone's asleep. i'm awake. hours pass. just staring. quiet tears come and go. climb into loft. lay in the darkness. tears flow harder. try not to wake up the roommate. finally sleep comes. fractured dreams. awake two hours later. pack. drive home. pass by the house. pass by the elementary school. pass by hanover. starts to sink in. pull into the driveway. go home. be treated like i'm 10 and 19. drive to shanes. hugs. drinks. pizza rolls. six plates, six chairs, six cups, five people. reminisce. discuss. avoid. hugs. depart. call the boyfriend. cry. awake for forever. sleep for an hour. awake again. drive to the house. us, his mom, and not him in the living room. awkward silences. so much food. talk, eat, awkward silence. reminisce. discuss. avoid. it's like a dance. hours pass. hugs. departures. emails to professors and friends. notifications. proof. treated like i'm 10 and 19. call the boyfriend. talk for hours. sleep comes easier. wake up. nothing to do but lots to do. updates. obituaries. plan for tomorrow - viewing. can't vote. no time. never enough time. stage manager not answering. pledging fucked. funeral on wendesday. then what? where do we go from here? we're too young to be dieing off. where do we go from here?